6 weeks, 2 days post op....

I haven't shared pictures of the breast work because I have family that reads this blog but for those of you who would like to see how the augmentation looks, you can view it here:  http://www.makemeheal.com/pictures/breast-augmentation-implants/6-weeks-post-op-p148599

As far as I'm concerned, neither the breast augmentation or the body lift was a successful surgery =(

I am now over 6 weeks post op and more and more anxious about what my results will be.  On Wednesday I experienced cold sweats and then Thursday had increased pain, swelling and redness.  Friday, nurse Beth came out and my temperature was elevated, had yellow drainage and the pain was still increased so she suggested I go in to see Dr. Reed (Dr. Camp is out of town and Dr. Reed is the doctor she practices with).  After speaking with Susan (Dr. Reed's nurse), she decided that I should wait until Monday to come in.  This weekend hasn't been too rough on me, thanks to my #2 mom that took my son for the weekend, SO helpful =) =) =)  I've been worried about him having fun this summer and he got to attend a picnic with a parade and carnival rides and then go out to a creek for some fishing and fun.  I am so happy she offered to take him for the weekend so he could enjoy some time with her, her son Matt & husband Robert. 

I have received SO many cards in the mail from church members of Kathy's (mom #2 lol) and it gives me such an amazing and warm hearted feeling.  I am cared about and prayed for by people I don't even know.  God is working is mysterious ways =)  One gift that came in the mail was a daily scripture book and I really like it... today's scripture really hit home:

"Stay calmly conscious of Me today, no matter what.

Remember that I go before you as well as with you into the day.

Nothing takes Me by surprise.

I will not allow circumstances to overwhelm you, so long as you look to Me.

I will help you cope with whatever the moment presents.

Collaborating with me brings blessings that far outweigh all your troubles.

Awareness of My Presence contains JOY that can endure all eventualities."

-Jude 24-25; 2 Corinthians 4:16-17-

I have never been one for much spiritual thought; I believe in God and believe in the power of prayer but I'm lazy when it comes to church and spiritual activities.  Having this traumatic event occur to me has caused me to reach out to God in a way I never have before.  When I was being wheeled back to the operating room to remove the pus pocket, I prayed that God keep me alive for my family, so that they did not have to endure the loss... but if it was my time, I prayed for God to keep them strong and guide them through the healing.  It was maybe the first time I've been afraid for my life and really leaned on prayer to get me through my terror.

Since then, I have met so many spiritual people that have prayed or sproken about God to me.  The nurses at the hospital, mom #2, my nurse Beth and my mother have all talked to me about how life will have obstacles that you can't handle alone and sometimes God is the one you have to lean on.  I have been surprised that so many people around me talk openly about their spiritual beliefs and feel comfortable to pray out loud with me.  Truly an amazing feeling and such a strong sign that I need to get closer to God and start teaching the kids. 

I am blessed to be alive and to have such a strong support system =) 

the SNAP =)

My home nurse, Beth, told me yesterday that she's inspired by my weight loss and has started working out and is planning on changing her lifestyle to a healthier one for her and her children.  It made me happy to have an affect on someone in such a positive way.  After she left, I was telling my mom about what persuaded me to lose the weight and she said that it was a good story and I should share it so others know.

So... here goes...  Around September/October of 2007, my brother asked me & Mark to go to a St. Louis Cardinals baseball game with him and his girlfriend.  I was weighing around 265-275 at this point in time.  The stadium had just been built a couple years prior and it would be my first time to go and see it so I was pretty excited, even though I'm not a big fan of baseball.

We get to the game and I go to sit down and I couldn't believe it, I DIDN'T FIT IN THE SEAT! I have a tiny little butt, really, no junk in the trunk, and I had to wedge myself into this seat =/  My stomach was literally resting on the arm rests and I couldn't get myself in the seat enough to reach the back of it.  I was mortified.  And what's worse, Mark and I were next to the aisle so any time someone needed out of our row, we had to stand up.  I was so uncomfortable the whole time!!!  Then something happened which I call, "the snap."  I decided at that point in time I was going to diet until I was skinny. I would not give up until I reached the lowest weight I could.  I just snapped and went into diet mode.  It became an addiction!

The image stuck in my mind and I used the anger, depression and insecurity to fuel my desire to lose weight.  I started out with the fad diets... I drank a slim fast shake for breakfast, a slim fast shake for lunch and either a subway 6" sub or a grilled chicken breast with vegetables for dinner and that was it! No snacking, no fat, no anything =/  I was able to pull this off for about 2-3 weeks and then was so frustrated that I decided to try something else.  My next attempt was a trip to GNC to buy some diet pills.  I chose hydroxycut and cut my diet to max 800 calories.  Horrible idea!  I was running on a treadmill and had just started Jillian Michael's 30-day Shred, so of course the weight came off fast but I was so hungry and starting to have serious headaches and body aches.  The last bad idea I had was a juice diet.  I researched on the internet how to detox and begin a new, healthier lifestyle and stumbled upon this idea.  For 3 days I drank juice and water, no food or any solids... just straight juice.  My dinner was chicken broth. I don't know WHAT I was thinking LOL!!!  

By November, 2007 I figured out that even though I had lost a lot of weight quickly (around 25lbs in a month), I was going about it all wrong.  I felt like crap every day and I noticed I was starting to drink a lot more alcohol than I used to.  I, again, got online to research dieting.  I had never learned how to eat healthy and sizable portions.  I stumbled upon caloriecount.about.com and November 5, 2007 became the last 1st day of my diet =)

I began writing journals, researching calories in different foods, looking up recipes and planning out my diet by the week.  I wanted to stick around 1500 calories a day and exercise 300 of them off.  This was still a bit extreme and I probably should have been eating more but my body quickly fell into rhythm and my weight loss averaged 10-15lbs per month.  This new diet became my lifestyle change soon.  I was able to stick with eating right and not even having to put much thought into it.  The weight kept coming off and I was loving the results!  By June, 2008 I had reached 185lbs and I felt very comfortable with myself.  I took a break on the exercising and started eating a little worse than I had allowed in the past 7 months. 

After the summer passed, I was ready to get back into the exercising/dieting groove.  I just began doing what I had before, eating lots of fruits, vegetables, lean meats and whole grains.  The weight was much harder to take off this time.  I tried not to get discouraged but by April, 2009 (almost 6 months of staying on my "diet"), I had only lost 20lbs.  At 165, I was comfortable but still felt like there was more weight to come off.  I started working harder at exercising, walking 2.5 miles per day and doing the Shred dvd 6 days a week.  By October, 2009, I reached 150lbs and Mark and I decided to have baby #2 since I was healthy and in shape.

During the pregnancy I gained 25lbs, which I pretty much lost without trying within a couple of months, and was sitting right back at 150lbs.  My step-mom-in-law bought our family a gym pass at our local recreational center and starting in January, I began going to the gym 6 days a week, hour and a half each day.  I bumped up my protein intake and planned out a routine to build muscle and eliminate fat.  By April, 2011, I reached 135lbs and was toned and looking the best I had ever (minus the massive amount of excess skin)!  And that brings us to my current day surgery and complications...   =/

Yesterday my temp was a little higher than normal (my general temp is low), my blood pressure was whack and I was having cold chills with goose bumps and sweating at the same time.  Today I woke up and I'm very achy around the wound area so I'm a little freaked out the infection may be coming back =( =(  The drainage in the wound vac is yellow instead of red, too.  Beth will be here tomorrow so we'll see if it's gotten any better.  I pray so!!!

Every rose has it's thorn

I keep telling my brain to rid itself of the anger, and I try to persuade my heart to feel less than broken but I'm stuck in this funk of a life.  It seems that not so long ago, "normalcy" was taken for granted and the ease of doing simple tasks never registered as something I should be thankful for.  Yesterday, I attempted to do some light housekeeping and even though there was no weight lifting, just being on my feet for so long made me feel bushwacked.

Mark mowed the lawn when he got off of work and I told my son he could go out and play in the yard and the poor thing didn't want to come back inside.  His summer up until this point has been spent indoors with me... I feel so bad. He's almost 4 and needs his outside time to expend energy but the heat just knocks me out and makes me feel ill.  I'm glad Mark has the energy to get him outside when he can and play with him. 

I'm trying not to have regrets about this surgery but it's hard to imagine that my abdomen will look decent after the recovery and surgery to close the wounds. Going into the surgery, I dreamed about the bikini's I would wear this summer, about the jeans I could fit into without having the muffin top hang over, and about how happy I would be.... I never imagined 6 weeks after the surgery I would be suffering, stuck at home and unable to care for my own children.  I know there is no going back and it's a waste of energy to dwell on the past but I'm angry, saddened and I need to work through these emotions before I can overcome them.  My general practitioner started me on an anti-depressant and anxiety pill (Lexapro) so hopefully with the help of medication and finding ways to relax and stay optimistic will aid in the mental healing.  Writing is a great relaxer for me so that's why I'm here, putting my story in the open and letting it all hang out =) 

On a total better note, my home nurse came out yesterday to change the dressings on the wounds and she said that I'm recovering incredibly fast.  I have healed 4cm of the tunnels and the skin is fresh and healthy around the wounds.  I've been terrified of the area getting reinfected or having necrosis but God is on my side and allowing my recovery to be speedy.  I wish I could say the pain was minimal but the wound changes are almost unbearable.  I can feel everything and even though I close my eyes and try to breathe through it, the pain is excruciating.  I can't help but be angry that I'm still dealing with so much pain this far after the initial surgery, too.  I just want NORMAL back =/

Of course I have pictures ;-)  .... this is the wound 6.20.11, 9 days after surgery, 5 days after wound vac:

To my supporters

For all of you that have written me here or privately messaged me, I want to send out a huge THANK YOU.  The support is appreciated!!!  Amy, your words are kind and help me to understand that people go through this, they bounce back and I will be ok =)  thank you and God bless you!  I pray that your healing is pain free and quick!!  To CCF- I am glad that I was able to give you insight about your upcoming procedure and I pray that everything goes well for you.  Please keep in mind that millions of people have tummy tucks each year and nothing goes wrong and their healing is fast and painless.  I, however, was given a different route and led to educate and inspire others that may go through trauma. 

Kathy, you know you've been my rock since the decision was made to have surgery.  You've been here to support me, show me kindness and love, and I appreciate your calls, texts, messages and notes.  I love you.  Your church family is amazing and I can see why you are a part of them.  Their cards and messages were so kind and personal, I felt like they knew me.  The prayers are working and I am healing quickly with minimal pain.

Mom, you've really come through for me on this... I know it's been a long rocky road for us but through it all, I love you with all of my heart and I feel the love is returned.  You have showed up every day, given me words of encouragement, helped me to stay strong and focused.  Without your company and help, I would have been a wreck.  I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate all that you have done.

To my friends & family, thank you for the calls and texts. Rachel came by the hospital and picked up Mark a cheesecake (his favorite) for his birthday... Mark always used to say, "it's not a birthday without a cake." I can't tell her enough how much this meant!  Even though we were celebrating in the hospital, he got to have his cake and was overjoyed =) 

This journey I'm on, though it seems never-ending, has been educational, terrifying, and traumatic.  I feared for my life.  I feared my kids would be without a mother.  But ya know what, I made a promise to myself about a year and a half ago that I wouldn't spend my life in a negative way. I wouldn't allow myself to feel anger, jealousy, regret, hate, etc. I had gone through so much negativity growing up and I was just done with it.  Through all of this, I was so angry I couldn't even think straight but today I remembered that promise... so from this point on, I'm done feeling sorry for myself, I'm done being angry that this happened and I'm done regretting.  I will live and think of all of my blessings!  I have an amazing husband, two beautiful, intelligent, healthy children and I'm alive to enjoy it.  That's enough for me =)

PS- if anyone has a problem messaging me on here, please feel free to email me at ginger.kabureck@yahoo.com

5 weeks post op

Normally when you read about someone being 5 weeks post op, their life is back to normal, they're getting ready to start going back to the gym and the scarring is already looking better.  I, however, am starting back at step 1. Actually, I can't even say I'm at step 1 considering I'm still an open wound... so once I've been sewn back together (in 2-3 weeks), then I can say I'm back to step 1... hmm.. great.

My home nurse, Beth, came today and she is quite the character.  I explained everything that I've been through over the last 5 weeks and she was very interested.  It's nice to get to tell someone on the outside what I've gone through and to hear their input.  She is funny and talkative, I'm really glad I have someone so personable coming out checking on me.  My mom was also here, she has been great in coming over keeping me company, cooking me food, washing my hair and being my errand runner.

After doing the history and chart check up, she took off the wound vac dressings to check out the wound.  She said that it looked very healthy and fresh and no dead or infected tissue so that's a plus.  She then did measurements and I was SHOCKED to find out that the hip wound stretches back 9cm from where the opening is into my back.  It's just a bunch of dead space where tissue was pulled from! I tried to capture this with the camera but you can't really see the depth....

You can see in this picture, the hip wound stretches to my back and down my hip.  The hip "hole" stretches down 7cm and around to the back 9cm.

I still can't believe this is me.  I can't go back and change anything but even Dr. Bradley said that if he could do anything different, he would have put me in a compression garment which would have prevented the hematoma.  Just makes me sick to my stomach. How did I get here?  I am not allowed to go enjoy my summer.... my 4 year anniversary was spent throwing my guts up. My husband's 26th birthday was spent in the hospital and my 27th birthday will be spent at home, attached to a wound vac =/  How in the world will life ever get back to normal?? Or will it?

home sweet home =/

Last night I got home and it was so sad... Anna kept staring at me like I was a big chocolate brownie- she wanted me but I couldn't hold her =(  My son came running up and kissed me like 10 times and hugged me and kept saying "I'm so excited!!!" over and over. He asked me about my "purse" or better known as a wound vac and I explained that mommy's old boo-boo had to get opened up because it had bad germs and now it's a bigger boo-boo and this machine takes all the germs out for mommy.  He looked at it a second and then said, "I really like your machine!" LOL  he's such a riot. I'm so happy to be back with my babies!!!

Today they're at great grandma Kabureck's.... she's 73 and having to watch both kids =/  we don't have anyone else that can watch them during the day though.  Anna is going to be so much on her because she gets around really well now.  I hate being a burden on people =(

I took the time to call Dr. Bradley's office (note: they haven't called me!) and Mary Ann told me to come in at 1:00 p.m.  haha I said, "um, I'm home bound and am not allowed to leave for 3-4 weeks."  She said Dr. Bradley will have to call me. No "how are you?" No "is everything ok?"  No empathy whatsoever!  I'm getting a little frustrated with their office and when I say a little I mean A LOT!  If I were a doctor and my patient ended up in the emergency room and then had to have an operation, I'd be calling them and making sure they were ok! Ugh I could have died. As my mom always says, you can't legislate love. Well, I can't legislate decency, professionalism or integrity...

Need to focus on future, not past. I'm trying to not think of all the "what-if's" but the "what-can's"... what can I do to kill 3 weeks of free time?! this is just insane. 

everything has changed...

life is so stressful... my bath today was just pathetic.  I had to wipe down with medical shower wipes and wash my hair with a shower cap filled with shampoo and conditioner in it.  The nurses here feel so sorry for me because I'm a crying mess and they helped me braid my hair =/  Thank God my mom was here to help me "bathe" otherwise I don't know if I would have gotten a "shower" haha!  I keep trying to think positive... like it could be worse, right?! But I'm still just beside myself.  How does this happen?!  I'm in so much pain and constantly uncomfortable... ugh... My face is breaking out with acne, either the stress or the fact that I haven't had a real shower in a week.  And before that, I had the whole penrose drain so I didn't get real showers then, either.  It's been so long since I could function like a regular person.

Now I am getting hooked up to a wound vac machine that will be attached to me 24/7 for the next 3-4 weeks.  It's loud so I'm going to have trouble sleeping and my birthday (June 29) and the kids' birthdays are pretty much ruined (July 4 & July 6).  I'm so sad.... the kids will be staying at great grandma Kabureck's during the week when Mark is at work and he'll have to pick them up on his way home.  I'm going to miss out on a lot of time with them- maybe miss Anna's first steps =( 

I'll be doing my follow up care with Dr. Camp (the doctor that removed the pus pocket) because she's covered by my insurance and she's the one who did the surgery.  Dr. Bradley's office hasn't even called to see if I was okay =(  I called them to give them an update on how I was doing and Dr. Bradley was quick to get off the phone, saying he was headed into surgery and had to go but that he would take care of me and talk to me later... nice. I could have used some sympathy haha 

More pictures from my stay at the hospital...

how I get to wash my hair =/

this is my mom helping me "wash"my back.... I don't know how I'll do it without help =(

this picture shows the wound vac set up.  There are white sponges under the black that help to keep the form of the skin. The nurse comes out Friday to change the dressings and the wound vac.