my baby girl turned 1 today =) she's just really a doll baby! I love my kiddo's so much!!!
Gitta, the wound specialist with Southwestern Illinois Visiting Nurses Association (SIVNA), came out today to check out the wounds. They smelled really bad for the first time which worried me but Gitta (pronounced gEE-duh) said that it was normal with this heat. Additionally, there were some yeast spots on the skin which she said would cause the foul smell. Treatable, so I'm not going to concern myself with the yeast.... my skin hasn't been able to breathe with the wound vac drapings on (clear sticky sheeting). Today will mark having the wound vac for 3 weeks... feel like I should celebrate.. NOT.
Last night I had a nightmare that kept me up for awhile... I dreamt I was blind and had to have an eye operation and when the surgeon removed my eyes to put in new ones, he switched them up which left me still blind but unable to go through another operation. The reason I say this was a nightmare is because I saw the whole operation take place and it was so vivid and real... pretty terrifying stuff. I rarely have nightmares so I hope that the trauma of everything I've been through in the last 7.5 weeks isn't an indication that I'm going to start having them =/
I have an appointment with Dr. Camp today at 4:45pm, not sure what she's going to want to do but I'm hoping to have some progress instead of her looking at the wounds and telling me it's back to wound vac for another 2 weeks.... although all 3 home nurses that have been out in the last week have all said that it'll be another couple of weeks with the vac and the possibility of a skin graft. I'm pretty terrified of the skin graft =( Wish I could fast forward to a month from now where this is all over with.... or is this ever going to be all over with?!
I'm so stressed out and depressed lately... I don't want anyone coming over (excluding immediate family) because I don't want them to see me like this =( It's like I'm suffering alone because no one quite understands what it's like to be in my shoes. That letter I received yesterday really set me off.... I mean, who has the right to judge me other than the big man upstairs?! The surgery was my decision and I don't try to please everyone because it's my life and I'll do with it what I want. I just want to ask.... where is the line drawn? Like having lasic eye surgery, is that vain? Is that cosmetic? Am I a bad person because there is risk and my kids could end up without a mother? Or how about mole removal? The fact that it could be cancerous is a concern but if I had one removed, am I going to receive a letter telling me that it's not worth it because I got an infection from a faulty surgeon?!
Anyway, rant over... my emotions are way out of whack trying to deal with everything and trying to put on a happy face for everyone. Well, I'm NOT happy. It's been a long time since I've felt happy. This surgery was intended to make me happy and it's shredded the last (almost) 8 weeks of my life. The last thing I need is someone telling me that I didn't need the surgery and it wasn't worth it! I am emotionally, mentally and physically spent. I don't even remember what "normal" for me is.... I'm constantly checking times to take medications, walking around with a wound vac, trying to eat as healthy as possible with high protein and high vitamin C, unable to keep up with the housework... etc, etc. Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
OMG
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