Mark mowed the lawn when he got off of work and I told my son he could go out and play in the yard and the poor thing didn't want to come back inside. His summer up until this point has been spent indoors with me... I feel so bad. He's almost 4 and needs his outside time to expend energy but the heat just knocks me out and makes me feel ill. I'm glad Mark has the energy to get him outside when he can and play with him.
I'm trying not to have regrets about this surgery but it's hard to imagine that my abdomen will look decent after the recovery and surgery to close the wounds. Going into the surgery, I dreamed about the bikini's I would wear this summer, about the jeans I could fit into without having the muffin top hang over, and about how happy I would be.... I never imagined 6 weeks after the surgery I would be suffering, stuck at home and unable to care for my own children. I know there is no going back and it's a waste of energy to dwell on the past but I'm angry, saddened and I need to work through these emotions before I can overcome them. My general practitioner started me on an anti-depressant and anxiety pill (Lexapro) so hopefully with the help of medication and finding ways to relax and stay optimistic will aid in the mental healing. Writing is a great relaxer for me so that's why I'm here, putting my story in the open and letting it all hang out =)
On a total better note, my home nurse came out yesterday to change the dressings on the wounds and she said that I'm recovering incredibly fast. I have healed 4cm of the tunnels and the skin is fresh and healthy around the wounds. I've been terrified of the area getting reinfected or having necrosis but God is on my side and allowing my recovery to be speedy. I wish I could say the pain was minimal but the wound changes are almost unbearable. I can feel everything and even though I close my eyes and try to breathe through it, the pain is excruciating. I can't help but be angry that I'm still dealing with so much pain this far after the initial surgery, too. I just want NORMAL back =/
Of course I have pictures ;-) .... this is the wound 6.20.11, 9 days after surgery, 5 days after wound vac:
There is no shame in telling how you really feel or needing to take something to help you through a tough time. I too am a writer and love to blog, though I don't make the time for it I used to.
ReplyDeleteYour wounds are already looking so much better, your abs look very flat and nice - you don't even have a stretch mark (and I still have several - I had lots up high so they couldn't get them all)! You never know, you may still be wearing that bikini you dream off.
I know what you mean about the exhaustion. I can't be on my feet for more than an hour and I'm done and I have a 4 year old and a 6 year old. I try to do one small thing for them each day (I'm only one month out from 2 surgeries, and 2 weeks out from 2 more surgeries). Like today, I made them pancakes. Then, I had to go back to bed and prop my feet. I know you feel guilty, but you can't, you are doing all you can right now. Your little man loves you no matter what, and though you may feel guilty, he probably is just happy to be with his mommy. A trick I have learned is we have a movie party in mommy's room. They love it. We get our blankies and they pick the show and we have popcorn. I don't have to even move, but they think it's the coolest thing ever. Think outside the box and let your hubby take him outside. :)
Much love to you!